would you like to take a survey?

I've mentioned before that my oldest brother is 14 years older than me - I don't know many others with this kind of age gap - so I don't know what their (your) experience may be but for me it was kinda like having a 3rd parent - I don't like admitting this for a few reasons:

1. I feel like it discredits the parenting my parents actually did
2. I feel like it is me saying that my parents were not entirely present in my childhood (to some extent it might be true - but also part of being immigrants trying to survive/pay bills/provide for a family of 6) and 
3. It might just give Hector (oldest brother) the satisfaction that he has had a huge influence in my life and because of where he is now and how he is doing (or rather the inconsistency of it) I rather not give him that kind of power 

So - why am I admitting to this...

The last couple of years have been hard - if you are reading this - you already know all the reasons why. I was on this track/path that I set out for myself - I am very persistent - I always have been and I've always accomplished what I've wanted... in 2014 I gave up (by my standards I gave up)

My ambition started to fade and I veered off my path; my plans to go to graduate school vanished, my drive to work in the marketing field faded and I feel I lost/gave up control of my career. I became this person or rather machine that just did everything she needed to survive. I took on "special projects" and tried my best to teach myself and reduce whatever learning curve that I may encounter - I was successful. In that process, I began to lose myself - or so I thought.

Yesterday - I admitted - that I actually love my job and the kind of work that I do. I love having to teach myself something new constantly and then sharing that knowledge with others, I love researching and uncovering things that others may not have thought of before, I love being innovative, I love having data to back up the stories we tell. And most importantly - I love feeling like I am indispensable (though realistically I am probably not - let me have my moment).

I thought back to my first experience at a college - when I was 7 or 8 years old. You see - there were days that Hector took me to his college classes with him - I would like to think it was because he loved me so much he wanted everyone to see how awesome I was - over the years I've put pieces together and it is was more like I was his walking case study - he tried out teaching methods on me and used me for his presentations (a story for another time) - anyway - I remember being an annoying kid that learned about market research - and constantly asking random people, my family members and friends: "would you like to take a survey?"

I was constantly trying to gather data - and here I am again. I realized that this "veering" off my path was actually a preparation for something greater - it was to unleash a skill set that I've played down and when combined with all the other skills I have - it can result in amazingness - if and only if I am willing to put myself in that persistent driven mindset again.

What this means - I need to be a little more selfish - I need to put myself before others that I have put first. I need stop trying to take care of others and really take care of myself. This might be hurtful, this may put a pause on their dreams - but I've been on pause long enough - and I'm done - I'm tired of being selfless. 

sometimes life is not so perfect and beautiful - I wish I could keep pretending to be all things to all people. 

xo,

chicXicana

an ode to my 3 siblings and freestyle music

So I grew up in the 90s (born in the super late 80s)...I came into this world as my brothers were becoming teenagers and my sister was finishing kindergarten...so naturally I stole the spotlight and everyone's heart...

My earliest memory of music was freestyle music - I was about 5 years old - my parents were either at some family event, not home or just plain crazy because it was a Friday night and as I walked into our back yard, the music was blasting, my brother Jaime was on the turn tables; my brother Hector was plotting with other teenagers and passing out drinks - my sister Pattie was hanging out with her wanna be chola friends and I was at the center of some circle dancing (pretending to break dance) - all at like 5 years old.

For those of you that don't know about freestyle music...here is a quick overview:


1982–1987: Origin of freestyle

Freestyle music developed in the early 1980s, primarily in the Latin communities of Upper Manhattan and The Bronx and the Italian-American communities in Brooklyn, The Bronx, and other boroughs of New York City, later spreading throughout New York's five boroughs and into New Jersey. It initially was a fusion of synthetic instrumentation and syncopated percussion of 1980s electro, as favored by fans of breakdancing...

(read more on wikipedia or the google)

I am not entirely sure how it made it to our little town - Livingston, Ca, but it did and it is what I think of when I think of the music I grew up on - not because I proactively searched for it - but because the mixed tapes were laying around and it was what was playing at parties...in my backyard.

I put together a little playlist of the 10 tracks I remember the most - they were definitely not age appropriate back then. LOL. Check it out below.

Freestyle playlist: 

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgtAMtZ9WrDjJWsGqKRwz9fcCSRk_CkCr

As for Hector, Jaime and Pattie - thank you for being my number one music influences - this music influence and knowledge has always made me one of the cool younger kids (so I think - I was quickly kicked out of that party)

xo, chicXicana