Tuesday, August 8, 2017

would you like to take a survey?

I've mentioned before that my oldest brother is 14 years older than me - I don't know many others with this kind of age gap - so I don't know what their (your) experience may be but for me it was kinda like having a 3rd parent - I don't like admitting this for a few reasons:

  1. I feel like it discredits the parenting my parents actually did
  2. I feel like it is me saying that my parents were not entirely present in my childhood (to some extent it might be true - but also part of being immigrants trying to survive/pay bills/provide for a family of 6) and 
  3. It might just give Hector (oldest brother) the satisfaction that he has had a huge influence in my life and because of where he is now and how he is doing (or rather the inconsistency of it) I rather not give him that kind of power 
So - why am I admitting to this...

The last couple of years have been hard - if you are reading this - you already know all the reasons why. I was on this track/path that I set out for myself - I am very persistent - I always have been and I've always accomplished what I've wanted... in 2014 I gave up (by my standards I gave up)

My ambition started to fade and I veered off my path; my plans to go to graduate school vanished, my drive to work in the marketing field faded and I feel I lost/gave up control of my career. I became this person or rather machine that just did everything she needed to survive. I took on "special projects" and tried my best to teach myself and reduce whatever learning curve that I may encounter - I was successful. In that process, I began to lose myself - or so I thought.

Yesterday - I admitted - that I actually love my job and the kind of work that I do. I love having to teach myself something new constantly and then sharing that knowledge with others, I love researching and uncovering things that others may not have thought of before, I love being innovative, I love having data to back up the stories we tell. And most importantly - I love feeling like I am indispensable (though realistically I am probably not - let me have my moment).

I thought back to my first experience at a college - when I was 7 or 8 years old. You see - there were days that Hector took me to his college classes with him - I would like to think it was because he loved me so much he wanted everyone to see how awesome I was - over the years I've put pieces together and it is was more like I was his walking case study - he tried out teaching methods on me and used me for his presentations (a story for another time) - anyway - I remember being an annoying kid that learned about market research - and constantly asking random people, my family members and friends: "would you like to take a survey?"

I was constantly trying to gather data - and here I am again. I realized that this "veering" off my path was actually a preparation for something greater - it was to unleash a skill set that I've played down and when combined with all the other skills I have - it can result in amazingness - if and only if I am willing to put myself in that persistent driven mindset again.

What this means - I need to be a little more selfish - I need to put myself before others that I have put first. I need stop trying to take care of others and really take care of myself. This might be hurtful, this may put a pause on their dreams - but I've been on pause long enough - and I'm done - I'm tired of being selfless. 

sometimes life is not so perfect and beautiful - I wish I could keep pretending to be all things to all people. 


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