Dear Ama, letter #3

Hay días que me siento tan sola. Hay días en que siento que hay bastante gente, pero no son mi gente y la verdad es que no le tengo confianza a nadie. 

Me perdi, ya ni se quien soy - ni quien quiero ser - solo se que te estraño.

My problems are 1st world problems. I'm sad, I am not dying, I am not starving - I don't think I've ever really struggled in my life - things could be a lot worse. I need to learn how to appreciate my life and be grateful for everything that I have.

I tell myself that I am not trying hard enough; I don't know if I will ever be happy - but I don't know that I ever knew what it was to be happy before everything.

I think that for the last few years I've let your death define me and my sadness, my anger; I don't know or think that that's okay. I've made my attempts to overcome it - and failed and tried again. Throughout this process I've overheard and been told that I need to get over it. I've even been told that it shouldn't be this big of a deal - I'm angry - at everyone that has negative things to say about me being sad - I get that they may not understand - and my heart is not big enough to try to understand them - I never wish this type of loss on anyone - and until they experience it (because life is not forever) then they will understand.

I feel ugly most days, I want to stay inside and away from everyone. I feel guilty because I don't love myself as much as before and I feel like I've broken so many promises I made myself.

I feel like a soda that someone dropped then picked up and shook and I've been bottling up all this anger, emotions and I might explode - what if I go crazy? Could a crazy person reason with their own logic about all their emotions? is that what defines a crazy person.

I pray - but only to ask to be graced with instances that remind me of you and that your spirit shows up randomly. When I run into Mexican women your age, dressed similarly to what you'd wear and they smile at me - I know it is you and it makes my day better.

I feel like I am about to start something new - remember about that time I told you about death and rebirth - and how during our lives we are constantly dying and being reborn - I am entering coatlicue state.

xo,
chicXicana

Dear Ama, letter #2

You'd probably laugh at me - because here I am writing you letters on the internet - you'd ask if this is ending up on the Twitter - and if el gordo liked it. A while a go I ran across this story about a daughter that found a google earth image of her mother who had passed away - I laughed because I had the same situation happened to me way before - but it was something I kept to myself.

Read that story here: http://nypost.com/2017/07/27/daughter-spots-long-dead-mother-on-google-street-view/ 

I discovered that google earth archives all the  photos that are taken throughout the years - and since Livingston is so small - there are only a couple that have been taken on our street and you are in both of them - in the front yard - you were probably watering the plants - but then I realized that you will not be in the next photo that google earth captures and I got sad. Screen shots below.

xoxo,
chicXicana