Monday, November 13, 2017

Holidays and tamales

Holidays are weird.
I think they kinda have always been - I'm not sure.

Don't get me wrong - I love the idea of having designated days off of work - but the whole social construct of things and commercial/capitalization is what bothers me.

I understand and value having time to spend with family - I really do - maybe I am jaded because of how holidays have been since 2012 and I can't shake it - perhaps I have become the Grinch - I don't know.

The Holidays are weird because they are hard.

In 2012 - I ditched my family for the first time and spent the time with my significant other's family. In 2013, my mom ditched us and went to go visit my brother Hector in Mexico - which makes sense since he is out there in Mexico without family. And well in 2014 she passed away - so Holidays just were not the same.

I always told myself that I would eat tamales next time she made some - or that she would just save me some in the freezer - but then time passed and nothing was as I expected it to be, and I took that time for granted - it's part of the guilt I carry and I don't know how I will let that go. And her birthday falls right in the middle of Thanksgiving and Christmas.

This is year four. As a family we have to pull it together - for each other and for my dad and for her. We spend time together, eating food that will never taste as good as hers, missing her and trying to keep it together. She would probably laugh at me and tell me to stop exhausting myself, overthinking what to make and how to manage to get from point A to point B back to point A in less than 24 hours to ensure that time with family is spent regardless of the 100 miles in between.

She would tell me to stop being such a crybaby and to stop talking so much about her - she would say "hay Ester, you are so annoying" - HA.

I wish we could replicate her tamales.

xo,
chicXicana

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